What I Lost With My MBA: Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, & Insecurities
Stages have been crossed, vacations enjoyed, and jobs left behind... Say what?
Needless to say, June was packed with major milestones. Now, with no more excuses to procrastinate (sorry, Netflix), it's time to take this blogging seriously.
With a new reality settling in, I’m realizing: I lost a lot with my MBA. Sounds all bad and it’s probably not a quote the UC Davis Graduate School of Management would want to use but bear with me, and you’ll see what I mean.
The MBA changed three times for me: from its OG definition of “masters of business administration” to “me becoming a badass” to simply symbolizing “me being authentic.”
Initially, it was about pivoting my career. Then, it became a quest for validation through academic achievement, driven by insecurities that popped up like daisies when faced with new “opportunities”. Now, it's evolved into a journey of self-discovery and authenticity, focusing on personal growth rather than external validation. In other words, I’m really (trying to, at least) leaning into who I want to become rather than what I could do. I've found the most fulfillment—and ironically, success—in this approach.
Perfectionism in the Classroom: Overcoming Self-Doubt During My MBA
My journey through grad school wasn’t traditional and yet, it wasn’t unique. Imposter syndrome and conformity kept my dream at a distance. Bills, fear, and family obligations limited my options and locations. There never seemed to be a perfect timing.
Forward to my sixth work anniversary, I found myself at orientation for the MBA program, seriously doubting I could even pass the “beloved” math camp before the official fall quarter. Business school, as it turns out, was a Petri dish where my insecurities would fester: difficulty with math, fear of speaking up, and panic about meeting new people in new spaces…if I let it.
Orientation 2021: Is that smile for excitement or panic? Both? Maybe a little bit of relief to be done with math camp…
I’ve never been one to make many promises to myself. I never believed myself worth it, I guess, despite being one to bend over backward for those I love. But 14 years after making my high school promise of becoming valedictorian, I finally made myself a third promise: giving myself the space and grace to do something bold, no matter how small, every day in that program. Perfectionism be damned.
Inch by inch, I became my metaphorical six-foot self. Student government, the Collaborative Leadership Program, Ambassador, Metro Edge communications lead and two-time speaker, these weren’t just resume fillers. These big check marks were only possible with the little raised Zoom hands, with the extra hi at networking events, with even showing up to those events, to begin with, even when none of your friends couldn’t make it. These moments were built by asking questions in class, actually going to office hours, and standing by my values even through difficult conversations with challenging mindsets.
Sounds like a lot of work. It was. I lost time from family, hobbies, and occasionally, sleep and sanity. I also lost some relationships, when I started changing.
Emerge Summit 2023: Panel on “WOC for WOC: Working on Challenges for Women of Color.” PC: @shotbyjuliann
Redefining Success: From Perfectionism to Personal Growth After Chronic Trauma
During the second quarter of my program, I walked away from a 10-year on-off relationship. Despite the dramatic ups and downs, and very real trauma, it had been my comfort zone. Being in the MBA was pushing my comfort zone and with that, came a lot more self-awareness and reflection about where I was going. I started hearing “why not” instead of “do not.” “Why not leave? Why not take a chance on yourself? Why not deserve better?”
I found myself at a crossroads where the default option of staying in the relationship no longer looked comfortable. It didn’t even look viable. It was time to head out.
This break-up felt foundational in building a new version of myself, one that was (hopefully) solidly secure in herself, her worth, and her love, both for others and herself.
Hands down, it was the most terrifying thing I had ever done. Being a parentified child, first-generation college student and caught in the middle of an ugly parental divorce, none of that compared to the boldness and fear that came with saying: I deserve more. Despite all the mental health turmoil that this relationship developed and uncovered for me, I am thankful for the experience of being able to walk away. This experience ripped off the first band-aid of my many survival wounds. This was the start of “me becoming a badass.”
But in losing relationships, I gained a better tribe (cliche, yes and kinda cringe, but oh so true). Their friendships have challenged my old ideas of love and have led to also losing the ideas of settling, maintaining unrequited loyalty and being told I was only as valuable as what I did. Having the right type of love really does change how your self-view.
Circles, squares, triangles, and spirals. Life is not linear. And neither is our progress or way to the top through the mountain tops and valleys.
From Procrastination to Purpose: Shedding Perfectionism in Life and Career
For me, this June’s graduation was a full-circle moment. Thirteen years ago I gave a high school graduation speech about perseverance. This graduation, my 2024 graduation speech* focused on progress. Basically, I switched from a surviving to thriving mentality. Don’t be surprised if it sounds similar to what you’re reading now.
Graduation 2024: Thank goodness no one is yawning…at least in the picture. PC: UC Davis GSM Media Team.
What I didn’t mention in my speech was I’ve also (slowly) lost my naiveness to be taken for granted by others, and even myself. Walking away now feels like strutting away (most of the time and after the overthinking). What a beautiful thing for someone who takes literal long strides anyway… *hair flip*
Acknowledging my worth led me to leave my job—I quit, recognizing I deserved more: more rest, more appreciation, and more room for growth. Letting go was tough, yet necessary for growth and embracing new, brighter possibilities. More to come on this development.
Shining Bright & Forward: Breaking Free from Limiting Beliefs on My C-PTSD Journey
Walking away also has led to losing the fear of future possibilities (aka expecting the worst when taking risks) and learning to lose pieces of older identities. I listened to the Impact Table Podcast episode “Navigating Involuntary Exits with Robin Merle” last week. This episode mentioned how our work identity has become a large chunk of our regular identity. What I took from that was how important it is to remember who you are, without what you do. Maybe Mufasa was right in guiding Simba…
Losing these fears and shedding aspects of my old identity has been liberating. I've realized the importance of remembering who I am and valuing myself beyond my achievements. It was a good reminder that we are valuable even if it’s not outwardly appreciated. That never changes. Thanks, #boundaries. Cue that last MBA definition: “me being authentic.”
Removing blindfolds (limiting beliefs) has revealed a future painted in bold colors. I'm determined not to let anything hold me back again.
I’m (getting) giddy again. Feeling hopeful again about the future, about my potential to do great things, and BE great. I remember feeling that upon high school graduation. The feeling of “the world is your oyster” being ever so present, despite being cliche. The boldness to believe that I could make change in the world, even if in just a corner of it. I missed that part of me. I’m glad I can see her again, even if still in flashing and fleeting glimmers.
(But in the meantime, I’ll enjoy some breathers here and there as well.)
So here’s to losing fear, insecurities, and most importantly, that negative inner voice in our own heads. Time to tell them to shut.the.heck.up and replace them with:
“I can still make the whole place shimmer.”
TL;DR: Cue Taylor’s Bejeweled song as our new anthem for a summary of the vibe.
Give me your best “What’s a girl gonna do? A diamond’s gotta shine” anthem in the comments.
*Clarification: Let me begin by expressing my gratitude for the influential women in my life who demonstrate the significance of engaging in challenging conversations to set boundaries while upholding relationships. Professor Vanessa requested more context regarding the quote I used in my speech, particularly its specific relevance to branding and marketing.
The original quote “done is better than perfect” was used to illustrate how brands evolve, adapt, and change. It was used to drive home the point that you need to start somewhere in branding. Her lesson influenced my revised motto for something way more general…like life.
